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Finding Common Ground During a Disagreement – Fighting With Your Spouse Fairly

apply for a pardon
by SS&SS

Article by Gillian Reynolds

A relationship is made of two people, better said of two individuals, with their own points of view, set of values, and personalities. When two people decide to marry or live together, it is no surprise that they may encounter many rough spots and new territory that is shaky. For some the adjustment is faster than for others, but whatever the case may be, there is no doubt that arguments or disagreements will happen. So, how do we keep the peace? After all, we want to live together for a reason. There are certain rules that apply to an argument. An argument or disagreement does not necessarily have to evolve into a fight.

Realize that it is unnatural not to disagree. For that to happen, you would have to share the same brain or at least be clones. Therefore, disagreements are a normal occurrence. There are the result of different point of views, and not necessarily contradicting, just different. Once you agree to disagree – pardon the cliché, but it is an easy way to put it – it will be easier to look at the argument in a more mature and objective way.

Try to see where each point of view is coming from or to use another cliché – wear each other’s shoes. This will give you a better picture of the other person’s reasons. Is it a rational point of view? Are there any points that can be discussed in relation and merit a second look? Why is she/he so passionate about this? Try to find the value to the other person. When you defend a point, there is always a connection directly with you (what’s in it for me?).

When addressing each other, do not raise the tone of voice as this proves contra productive, and closes the other to listening to your points. Gestures or words that may be offensive should be left out of an argument. Once said, they paint a picture in someone’s mind and heart. Take a break or time out if needed, and agree to return to the argument in a rational way. If you have agreed to disagreed, this should not be impossible to do.

In shaky territory there is always on stable spot, so when everything else is failing, and an understanding is not in the horizon, try to find some common ground. In what sense do your arguments seem alike? Can there be a compromise? Is there enough room for a change of heart? Is there one thing that you both agree with about the argument? Use that issue as a grounding mechanism. Let us say that you want your kid to have Karate classes, and your husband disagrees mostly because of financial reasons. Your kid wants the lessons too. Maybe, your kid can set aside part of his allowance, and you can take on a few odd jobs here and there or sell something you do not use or need to make two thirds of the money. Let your husband come up with an idea for the last third. If financially, you know that this is going to make a big dent in your budget, then you should come up with another alternative, such as getting karate videos and books from the library, you and your husband can spend time practicing with your kid, and maybe agree to pay for 1 or 2 lessons. There are many sides to this argument, and as many solutions as you want to find. Therefore, finding common ground (in this case you both agree it will hurt the budget) should open room for many solutions.

Follow these rules to handle an argument, and you should be able to find a happy medium.

About the Author

There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.You can save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.

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